#31WriteNow is Over!!

Today is the last day of #31WriteNow!!! Yay, I want to break out and twerk (que my inner Miley Cyrus). It’s been a long hard road. I was consistent until day 22 when I started getting lazy and wanted to give up. I push through because I wanted to finish this challenge. As I mentioned before I wanted to write daily for the month of August to celebrate my 30th birthday. When Luvvie posted the challenge I was all for it because I would have a writing community. I was excited about meeting new bloggers and exploring new blogs. The things I’ve learned during this challenge exceeded what I would have ever imagined.

I admit some days I did have post scheduled which made things easier. I truly admire those bloggers who actually wrote everyday. Wow, you guys are awesome!!

This was a wonderful challenge. I enjoyed every bit of it. Even the days when I didn’t want to write. I would grab my iPad click on my WordPress app and push something out.

Now, I am exhausted. I have some other writing projects I’m working which I’ll be focusing on more during the month of September. I’ll still post on my blog but not as consistent. In October, I may join National Blog Writing Month (NaBloWriMo). I’m not sure yet. It just depends on where I’m at in my September projects.

I want to thank all of you for reading my blog, commenting, retweeting, sharing, etc. I truly appreciate it. You have made this an excellent birthday month for me!

Keep a look out for StacyAustralia I have a lot more work heading your way.

Thanks again

Image courtesy of digitalart at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My Favorite #31WriteNow Posts

I’m 1 day away from finishing the #31WriteNow challenge. I want to jump for joy! I decided to make a list of my favorite posts I wrote this month. I hope you enjoy!

For The Love of Money

I wrote this post earlier in the week. It made me really re-think my writing process. My mindset was still stuck in becoming an author in the 90s early 00s. The industry has changed completely and I need to change to the industry. completely.

Dealing with a Bug-A-Boo

I basically had a “Come to Jesus” meeting and decided to get myself and my life together.

From Sex to God…

I discuss how I struggled with finding a niche and realizing my niche is just me.

Mental Health and the African American Community

The death of young actor Lee Thompson Young inspired this. I wrote this years ago but it was relevant to his death and I wanted to share.

On Being an Author

In my process of becoming an author I’ve learned so much. This post review some of the things I’ve learned.

This Thing Called God Part 1 and Part 2

I share my experience with God as he tries to tell me things throughout my life but I refuse to listen.

The Young & The Careless

Inspired by conversations with my 20 year old cousins about life and wanting to be better instead of maintaining the status quo.

When You Wish Upon A Star…

Two days before my 30th birthday, I shared how excited I was to turn 30 and publish my first book Today I Threw Away His Toothbrush: Collection of Essays, Letters, Poems,and Random Thoughts about Love

Thanks for checking out my favorite posts.

25 Questions with Author Vogue

A few years ago I had an opportunity to interview an upcoming author by the name of Vogue. Since that interview Vogue has published 2 more books. I was fortunate enough to interview her again.

Tell us a little about yourself and your background?

Born and raised in Greenville, SC. I’m a 2003 graduate of Winthrop University, possessing a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work. I started writing in high school with fan fiction, which progressed into novels in college. By day, I’m a Patient Case Coordinator for Amerisource Bergen and by night, I am a self-published author who writes urban fiction with romance and faith-based undertones.

Can you give us an overview of your writing experiences so far?

My writing experiences are learning experiences. With each project, I learn something new. I also gain an extra layer of skin. You have to have thick skin to be able to pour your heart into something and put it out there for the rest of the world to judge.

What motivates you?

I’m motivated the most by my readers and seeing/reading the enjoyment they get from my books. It’s the encouragement I need whenever I feel like giving up.

Did you pick writing or did writing pick you?

I honestly picked writing. I was always looking for an outlet and I found it in writing. First, I delved into poetry, which eventually turned into prose. I stuck with it over the years and now I have three published works under my belt.

What are your ambitions for your writing career?

My next goal is to create a real live book trailer for one of my books with a full-on cast. Since I’m nowhere near where I need to be financially for a movie, a book trailer seems more attainable.

What are you working on at the minute?

At the current moment, I am not writing, but am currently brainstorming ideas for my fourth book, Black Diamonds. I have released a sample of the book, which is currently available on Amazon’s Kindle, but the book is still not yet finished. Once I have my ideas and plans for the book complete, I will start back writing.

Which actor/actress would you like to see playing the lead character from your most recent book?

I have always seen Gabrielle Union as Carmen Davenport, the main female character of The Diamond Collection, but of course, I am biased because she’s my favorite actress. Physically, her look describes Carmen to a T.

How much research do you do?

It all depends on my focus at the time. Right now, I am doing the most research on wedding planning because my fifth book, Diamonds N’ Roses focuses on Carmen and Jay’s wedding. I want the book to be very detailed so I’m taking the time out to research colors, flowers, wedding dresses, gowns, cakes, etc. The back cover of the paperback version of the book will actually be a wedding invitation.

Do you write full-time or part-time?

Due to my present work schedule, I write part-time, but I brainstorm full-time. Seventy percent of my day is probably devoted to figuring out plots and character development.

What is your writing schedule?

I don’t have a set writing schedule, but I tend to write mostly in the evenings and on the weekend. I only write when I am compelled to put something on paper and I don’t try and write while I have writer’s block. Do you aim for a set amount of words/pages per day? Word and page count are not important to me. In my opinion, a story is finished when it is finished.

Where do your ideas come from?

My ideas do not come from one set place. I may get an idea from a magazine article, advertisement, movie, music video or a personal life event or one of a friend’s. For example, I created an entire new character for my novel, Black Diamonds, simply from watching Chrissy and Mr. Jones. I guess you can say the character is inspired by Jim Jones.

Do you work to an outline or plot or do you prefer just see where an idea takes you?

I’ve used both. I generally start with an outline and plot and then I’ll allow the story to take a life of its own. Halfway finished, I usually go back to the outline and vice versa.

How do you think you’ve evolved as a writer from your first book Diamonds in the Rough to Ace of Diamonds?

My writing has grown in more ways than one. With my first book, in the original version, I gave the reader too much. There were things in the book, which weren’t needed, whereas now, I give the reader exactly what they need to know. Everything is pretty much straight to the point.

What is the hardest thing about writing?

The hardest thing about writing is staying committed to it. It is so easy to let life and all of its ups and downs get in the way of a project being completed. I never want to force myself to write, but sometimes I have to. Easiest thing? The easiest thing about writing is getting lost in it. Once you start, and get sucked in, it’s hard to stop. Once I’m on a roll, I can be lost in the literary world for hours before I come back to reality.

How long does it take to write your book?

Well, I’ll speak for my fourth book, Black Diamonds. It is going to take me a year to get this book out. I have about five months’ left before its release and I’m only halfway finished. Edit? The editing will go quicker once it’s written. The editing will probably take a month or so. I actually edit on and off while I’m writing.

Who are your favorite authors?

My favorite authors are Ashley & Jaquavis. I read the majority of their work whereas I may read one or two books of other writers. I love the blend of crime, romance, and drama that are in their books.

Do you prefer eBooks or traditional paper/hard back books?

I prefer paperback, however, I will purchase eBook just as quick. EBooks are cheaper and gives you instant access to what you want to read.

What are you currently reading?

I am currently reading Damaged by Carmel Malone.

How are you publishing this book and why?

I will be self-publishing Black Diamonds. The Ace of Diamonds, my third novel, was my first shot at self-publishing and while I spent out a lot of money in marketing, I also reaped all the benefits when the checks started to come in. I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but I’m in a far better place than I was in 2010.

What would you say are the main advantages and disadvantages of self-publishing against being published or the other way around?

The main advantage of self-publishing is that you don’t have to share the profits of your book with anyone. In addition, you have complete creative control over your work. The main disadvantage is that you are responsible for the production and marketing of your book. You are your own bank whereas with a major publisher or independent publisher, they cover all the fees associated with publishing your work.

What’s your views on social media for marketing?

Marketing on social media is a must! It allows you to reach a large amount of people in a short amount of time. With the new apps that have been established such as Hoot Suite, you can market your books without even touching your phone or computer.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

In five years, I hope to have most of The Diamond Collection complete. I also hope to have published my first Christian Fiction novel.

What advice would you give to your younger self?

Be wiser with your money because you’re going to need it once you start making major moves.

If you could have been the original author of any book, what would it have been and why?

There are numerous books that have impacted several generations, but the one book I wished I could take credit for is To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. In one single book, she touched on so many social issues without ever having to write again.

What advice would you give to aspiring writers?

Keep writing and never give up. No one can stop you, you can only stop yourself.

Where do you see publishing going in the future?

Well, publishing is already at the place I see it going. EBooks have taken over and more people are self-publishing instead of seeking out contracts. I’m pretty sure, this number will only continue to grow.

Want to know more about Vogue?

Website: http://www.simplyvogue.net
Blog: http://www.simplyvogue.net
Facebook: Author April Blanding
Twitter: @SimplyVogue_B

Instagram: Marilyn_MonRHO1922

Book Links (Amazon):

Diamonds in the Rough:

Diamonds are Forever:

The Ace of Diamonds:

5 Things Bloggers Do When You’re Not Looking

This post was inspired by Rae from the blog “From Rae with Love.” Earlier this month she wrote an awesome post from her perspective about the different things bloggers do when no one is looking (21 Things Bloggers Do When You’re Not Looking) . I decided to utilize her concept as it relates to me.

1. I read. I read. And I read some more. I’m constantly reading books, articles, and other blogs to make sure I consistently have content to write about. Did I say I read?
2. I write. I write. And I write some more. Even if I’m not writing for my blog, I’m sketching out character/plot/story summaries, writing in my journal, and leaving comments on other blogs.
3. I study other writers. I read their blogs, follow their Facebook fan pages, follow their twitter time line, read their book reviews. I’m almost like a stalker.
4. Researching and learning the business of being a writer. Being a writer is so much more than writing. Authors nowadays are also responsible for promoting and marketing especially for self published authors.
5. Researching and learning more about the publishing field. I’m straddling the fence between being a fully self-published author or if I want to submit to a major publishing house. As of now, I want to self-publish because I want full responsibility for my work.
6. Network. Twitter is an awesome place to network with other writers. This #31WriteNow challenge has been an excellent way for me to connect with like-minded people.

Yeah, Yeah, I know I said “5 Things Bloggers Do When You’re Not Looking” but I listed 6. The last one just popped in my head at the last moment. It was initially titled “10 Things…” but I was being lazy an didn’t want to to think of that many. 

5 More Things About Me

From participating in the #31WriteNow challenge I’ve discovered interesting bloggers and topics. I thought this was an excellent idea so I decided to copy. I found it on Ambitious Curls: Natural Beauty Writings Connecting Smartness to Greatness blog.

My 5 Passions

1. Writing- Novels, Poems, Short stories, Blog posts, Essays, Free writing, Journaling
   
2. Working with adolescents
3. Personal Development
4. Reading
5. Teaching

5 Things I’d like to do Before I Die

1. Go Horseback riding
2. Learn to play guitar
3. Become a Filmaker
4. Start a non-profit/foundation
5. Become a nationally known author

5 Things I say a lot

1. It is what it is
2. Hey Girl…
3. Girl…
4. I’m Fancy
5. I’m bout to throw something

5 Books I’ Read in 2013

1. Jaded Hearts by Olivia Linden
2. Hot Mess by Anne Conley
3. The Carter 4 by Ashley and JaQuavis
4. Never Keeping Secrets by Niobia Bryant
5. The Broken Road by Mellisa Huie

5 Favorite Movies

1. Mean Girls
2. Love Jones
3. 21 Jump St
4. Stepbrothers
5. Freedom Writers

5 Songs on Repeat

1. April Shower Dru Hill
2. Yesterday Toni Braxton
3. Couple of Forevers Chrisette Michelle
4. No Love Kevon Edmonds
5. Tired Kelly Price

5 Things I Can’t Live Without

1. iPad
2. My Cat
3. iPod
4. Books
5. Old fashioned notebooks & pens

5 Places I Want to Visit

1. Jamaica
2. Canada
3. Australia
4. Dominican Republic
5. Brazil

(This was a cheat post. I wrote this early in the month. It’s been a long day. I attended a singles event at church tonight that has my spirit in a slump. I may write about it later but I don’t know. The event isn’t reflective of the church though .)

The Struggle is Real

I have everything and nothing to write about. I don’t really like filler pieces and I guess in a way this is one. I was sleeping and I woke from a nap thinking “Damn, I haven’t posted yet.”

As most of us, I have a lot of work saved in drafts and I have even more saved in MS Word. But that problem is I just don’t want to share. I’m a stingy writer, I don’t like to share my work. Sometimes I just have to be in a certain mood of spirit. Last week I attempted to be very transparent. I shared a lot of my experiences but I think it’s still a difference between transparency and sharing. Some of the ##31Writenow bloggers share their work but some are transparent. The way they write it’s as if you’re with them as they speak. Me, I just write.

I don’t know what my deal is. I want to be a nationally known author but I struggle with transparency and sharing. I not only want to write fiction (I have no struggles there) but creative non fiction and essays. How am I going to write about my experiences if Im guarded? But I think I’ve always been guarded. I remember having a friend telling me I was hard to get close to and it was someone I considered a BFF.

Years ago when I started my blog over on http://www.blogger.com, I felt I was transparent. It was more of a personal journal for me as I dealt with the troubles of graduate school and life. I shared my relationship, the break up, and so much more. Somewhere along the line I closed up.

It’s something I’m working on. As I mentioned before, I don’t care much about what people who don’t know me think but more about the people who know me. But it’s more people who don’t know me that read my work than the people who do so….

I don’t know. I just have a lot of reflection about why I struggle. I guess I’m using this post to reflect. Maybe it’s less being guarded but more “I don’t want anybody in my business!” *shrug*

Hopefully next week will be better. Blogging is completely different when you actually have audience, I don’t see how the big bloggers do it. Hmmm maybe I should take on a pseudonym and write privately.

I’m going to end this now and go back to sleep. I need to meditate, pray, and do so much more.

Good night.

Do you sometimes struggle with sharing your work or bing transparent? Do you feel it’s a different in the two?

On Being an Author

In this process of pursuing my dreams of becoming a full time author I’ve learned and realized a lot. Maybe some of this insight can be helpful to other aspiring authors.

1. I’m literally a struggling artist. I learned even as a struggling artist there are still ways to promote your book. Last night, I hosted a virtual book release party via FB. Even though it wasn’t many participants I’m very appreciative. It was an interesting event. I posted pictures, videos and asked questions. All the participants were people I knew personally and I appreciate their support. Other ways I’ve promoted my book is by scheduled tweets and FB posts. People are very kind because they retweet or share.

2. Writing is hard work, being an author is hard work. It’s not easy sitting in a chair and writing. I have so many unfinished projects. I don’t feel they’re good enough and I’m trying to figure out the best way to revamp them. It’s just a struggle. Sometimes it can be a blow to your self esteem but if you want it you’ll sit in the chair and make it happen.

3. I’m not grinding hard enough. I’m doing enough but I can push myself harder. Yes, in any given time I can knock out 5k-10k words (really, I’ve done it several times) but it may be days before I write again. So for some people writing 20k in one week is ok but for me I know I can do more. I can’t compare myself to others but some new authors are pushing our multiple books in a year. I haven’t read the books and I don’t know their quality but damn. My hustle need to improve.

4. In relations to #1, it’s not just promoting the book but also promoting myself as an author. I have to build a loyal fan base not just fans of this book. I’m a writer but I’m a reader first and I know how fast people can lose interest. I tend to think of myself as a forgiving person so I’m not as hard but I know some people aren’t forgiving when their favorite author cross them.

5. Today I Threw Away His Toothbrush is a personal collection. Many of the people who’ve read the book have contacted me to let me know how they related to some part. That was my goal. I want women to reflect on their experiences. However I don’t feel I was transparent enough in the book. I feel I needed to go deeper in certain stories. I’m considering writing another book, same concept just deeper but it wouldn’t focus on relationships as much. I want to talk about family and other things I haven’t shared.

6. During the book release, someone asked “what do your parents think about your book?” Well honestly they don’t know. My mom knew previously I was working on a book. She saw the first proof copy and made comments about my DV situation but that’s it. She doesn’t know the book is actually out. My dad doesn’t know either. I realized I’m more willing to share with people I don’t know than with people I do know. When I got a few friends to pre read it I was terrified. I didn’t know what they would think. There are many experiences I haven’t shared with friends or family. It’s easier for me to share with people don’t know me personally. Their opinions doesn’t affect me as much.

7. Back to #1 and #4, it’s hard to figure out how much is to much promoting on social media. I don’t want people to roll theirs eyes when they see my tweets however I do want them aware of my book and my presence. I’m figuring this out as well.

8. Goal setting actually works for me. If I give myself a date it’s easier to work towards that goal. With Today I Threw Away His Toothbrush, I set the release date for my birthday. It wasn’t initially planned like that but I’m glad it happened. The book was mostly done at the end of June when I made that proclamation. I spent July revising, changing format, renaming it, and getting my beta readers.

9. When working on multiple projects, you have to decide what’s going to get the most attention. I have a few I’m working on. Two novels and one non-fiction. My non-fiction will be self published as well as my first novel. I want to submit the other to a traditional publisher. Now I’m struggling with what to focus on. I do know my goal is to release another book before end of year. In relation to #8, I have to set a goal in stone and work towards it.

I know it’s so much more but I’m willing and ready because I’m in this for the long run. If interested you can purchase the book here If you want to read a sample first you can go here. Thanks so much.

#BlackPowerisforBlackMen

#BlackPowerisforBlackMen is a hashtag created by Jamilah Lemieux on Twitter. She’s also the Digital & News Life Editor with Ebony magazine. Years ago I use to read her blog The Beautiful Struggler.

Any way, I’m not normally moved by hastags but this one kept reappearing in my timeline. I checked it out and was overwhelmed with emotions. This is some real s**t. This hashtag is packed with so much power & emotions.

I started reflecting on my personal experiences of how #BlackPowerisforBlackMen has shown itself in my life. Here is a list of some of the ways it’s manifested in my life.

1. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because when I was raped I didn’t report it because it was a man I knew and I didn’t want to feel shame for being alone with someone i trusted (both times)

2. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because when I was in an abusive relationship, I was questioned “Why didn’t you leave?” Instead of asking him why he was trying to beat my ass

3. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because I’ve dated men who were unemployed but when I shared my unemployment and current struggles,I don’t hear from them anymore

4. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because I loved him when he were going through his depression but he left me when I was going through mine

5.#BlackPowerisforBlackMen because when he told me he was molested as a child I cried but when I shared my story he laughed

6. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because my mom was there to take me to school, take care of me when I was sick, deal with my teachers (no shade to my dad but realistically my mom did it all)

7. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because when I became tired of his games and lack of commitment he call me negative, angry, bitter, and a “bitch”

8. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because when I moved on from this failed relationship he made sure I knew “You can never find a man as good as me”

9. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because when he gave me an STD he looked at me & said “well my baby momma don’t have anything”

10. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because when I ask him not to address me as “shawty” or “a yo ma” he proceed to call me “stuck up”, “bitch” and “think I’m all that”

11. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because when we were teens, he spread rumors about me because I wouldn’t have sex with him

12. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because he assumed my curviness gave him permission to touch or talk to me any type of way

13. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because when I was asked to apply for a position and given considerable recommendations, he still hired a MAN from outside the agency

14. #BlackPowerisforBlackMen because you thought since everybody else was coupled up, that meant i would accept your disrespectful advantages

15. BlackPowerisforBlackMen because despite any of these experiences I’m not angry and I still love black men

On Losing It Part 2

“Nia, what’s the worst thing I could say to you.”

All types of shit ran through my mind.

Oh God, he’s going to tell me he doesn’t love me.

He’s going leave me, what am I going to do?

I love this man. I don’t know what to do without him.

But I meekly answered “if you say, you don’t love me no more”

I wiped the tears from my eyes because I already knew where it was going despite how much denial I was trying to kick in.

He sighed.

“Nia, I’m in love with someone else.”

I went numb for a minute. Did he just tell me he was in love with someone else? This man I loved… loved someone else? Seriously? How the hell can he tell me some shit like that?

Remember when I told you, I would break up with you before I hurt you and cheat on you again well…

I was devastated. I was sad. I was hurt. I was depressed. I was dead.

We joke about having a “broken heart” but seriously when you’re hurt you literally feel broken. Even though I feign sick so I wouldn’t have to go to school but I was actually sick. I cried all night. I wouldn’t dare go to school with baggy eyes, a snotty nose, and hair all over my head when I know my heart was broken.

I was surprise my mom allowed me to stay home. She was an advocated of “Take your ass to school because of you don’t go to school they gon’ be looking in my face and you know I got to go to work.” I still think to this day she knew something was wrong. Maybe she didn’t know what but she knew something. I mean really don’t Mom always know.

I remember laying on the couch watching music videos. The videos are stuck in my mind from that day. I remember hearing the song “Lately” by the girl group Divyne.

Lately, been thinking about you baby; just sitting away watching the days go by”

That’s how I felt. I was 15 with a broken heart and I wanted my back. I didn’t care what I had to do to get him I was going to do it.

Two weeks passed and Marcus and I was talking on the phone again. It was hard but I just thought I could beg him to want me again. Yes, I thought I could beg him to want me again and I did. Over and over and over again. I didn’t care if he had another girlfriend I wanted him. If I had to be girlfriend #2, I was willing to have that title if it would get me back in his arms.

He wouldn’t accept me back so I had to come up with a plan to get him back. I thought the only leverage I had was sex. I was a virgin. I admit, I was boy-crazy. I loved them!! I’ve kissed, touched, I did a lot but I was a virgin. I’ve never had consensual sex (that includes ALL sex but notice I said consensual). Despite being boy-crazy I was terrified of sex. My mom gave me the most graphic description when I was 9 and after that I was done. I considered myself a “big girl” so I had to do what I had to do. No questions about it.

I wasn’t allowed to date but I didn’t care what my mom allowed. I wanted my man back and I was going to do what I had to do to get him back.

My mom was a single mom so she worked. Sometimes I would try to get over on her by writing her notes and strategically place them in places I know she wouldn’t find them. So if I got in trouble for doing something I would say “Well, I left you note, and since you didn’t say anything I assumed it was a yes.”

I called Marcus and told him I wanted to see him and I had something to give him. He was a 16 year old boy of course he came over and picked me up. That was one thing I didn’t doubt. He was driving his old 1990 Honda Accord. You know the box shaped ones. I remember it was a light blue.

I leaned over and looked at him. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do but I had to do to get my man back. That was the only thing I had.

“I called you because I want to get you back.”

“Nia, I told you before it’s over between us because I got a girlfriend.”

“I know that but I’m going to do what I have to do to get you back.”

He smiled and said “What are you trying to do to get your man back.”

I smiled and rubbed his thigh.

“Give him some pussy.”

Yeah, I had a filthy mouth but I was 15 and reading Terry McMillan, Omar Tyree, Eric Jerome Dickey and so many others. I graduated from The Babysitter’s Club and the Sweet Valley series years prior. I was on grown up shit then.

He pulled over on the side of the street and just looked at me. It took awhile but it dawned on me what he was thinking.

“I can’t lose my virginity in a car.”

“But I have condoms.”

“Can we go to your house,”

“Naw, my mom home, we can go to my homeboy’s house.”

His homeboy stayed in a working class neighborhood as most of us did. We enter the house and look around. It was nice. I wanted to take everything in knowing that when I leave I would no longer be a virgin. I wanted to remember all the details to write in my journal. His friend’s room was typical for a 16 year old boy. A basketball in the corner of the floor, posters of rappers on the walls, a few sports illustrated magazines, and several different pair of J’s.

I looked at the bed. The bed I will be losing my virginity on.

“Come over here” he said as I stared around the room.

I came and sat by him on the bed and started taking off my clothes. He didn’t waste any time getting naked. While I was looking around the room he was getting undressed.

For some reason I had this uncomfortable urge to pee.

“Where is the bathroom”

I put the clothes on I took off and he pointed the bathroom out to me. I sat on the toilet thinking “Nia, you are a big girl. If you want your man back this is the way you have to do it.”

Flushed toilet, washed hands, and went back to the room. He’s in the bed looking fine playing with his big black dick. I began taking my clothes off again slowly. Despite the pep talk I gave myself in the bathroom I was terrified. I haven’t done this before willingly. Yes, I’ve been in situations but it was all by forced never me actually wanting to do it.

I climbed in the bed and laid next to him. He touch my tender pussy and I squirmed. I didn’t know what I was getting into. I knew two things, how it felt when I touched myself and how it felt to be force to do something. Neither of those feelings was equitable to what I was feeling with him. My young body feels so many emotions I can’t even explain.

I touch his body, so beautiful, so dark, so fine, so mine (or so I thought). My pussy began to throb He climbs on top of me. He rubbed his dick against my pussy. I shiver. I anticipate his entrance in me.

Attempt 1: Fail

“Relax baby, just relax I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispers in my ear.

I could feel tears slide down my cheek. I’m terrified. I’m scared. I want this so much because I “Love him” I love him so much and I want to share myself with him. Right?

He rubs his dick up and down the slit. Rubbing it against my clit. Using his finger to slide in and out my womanhood.

It’s dry like the Sahara Dessert

He continued to lie on top of me, kissing, touching, rubbing. He attempts to slide his dick in again.

Attempt 2: Fail

I stared at the ceiling thinking. “What the fuck am I doing?” Nia, you really going to do this? This how you going to lose your virginity with a man that don’t even want you. All he want is this pussy you about to give him. You think fucking him is going to get him back?

Then it happened. Not the sex but my first and only out of body experience. It was like I stepped outside of my body and I was now at the top of the ceiling looking down on him lying on me. I could see the curve of his back as he pumped in and out. I could see the tears fall down my cheeks because I’m not only in so much pain physically but also emotionally. I could see him getting up wiping his dick off and instructing me to put on my clothes so he could take me home. I saw me calling him everyday asking him to take me back. Let me rephrase that, not asking but begging him to take me back. Crying over and over every night wishing he would just love me. I could see myself with the morning sickness. Waking up everyday getting prepared for school and the first thing I do is vomit. I can’t even make it to the bathroom because I done threw up everything I ate the night before. Stepping over my vomit and heading kitchen to get the bucket and mop so I can clean up my mess before going to school. I could see myself peeing on the stick that actually confirm I’m carrying a child by a boy that doesn’t even want me.

As I have this out of body experience, I can feel the sting across my face from the slap my mom gave me when I tell her I’m pregnant. I see the hurt and disappointment in my dad’s eyes because they had big hopes and dreams for me. I see the weight gain. I see the tiredness. I see myself giving birth and being alone. A 15 year old single mom. I saw so much in those few seconds that it brought me back to my senses.

In the seconds it took between attempt 2 and attempt 3, my young life flashed before my eyes. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lose my virginity in an attempt to get back a ‘boy’ not a ‘man’ that didn’t even want me. I was 15, what the hell did I know.

“I can’t do this” I said as I pushed him off of me. Wiping my face as tears slide down my cheek.

“What? Why?” he stammered as caught himself before falling off the bed. “I can’t do this”

I slid into my shorts.

“I can’t have sex with you like this. If I do I am going to get pregnant and I am too young for that.” I finished getting dressed.

“No you won’t get pregnant.”

He attempted to undress me so we can continue what we started.

“Look,” he holds up some condoms, “You won’t get pregnant.”

“Yes, I will” I said as I stood up. “Take me home.”

“Damn, Nia” he mumbled as he began to get dress preparing to take me home.

Needless to say I didn’t get my man back nor did I lose my virginity that day.

On Losing it Part 1

I thought if I had sex with him he would change his mind and want me again. I thought my pussy was so good it’ll keep him around. See, I was a virgin and virgin pussy is the best right?

I was a freshman in high school when we met. He was talk, dark, and fine; just the way I liked my men. He was a transfer from one of our rival schools. I don’t remember where we met it was almost as if he just appeared. All I know was I wanted him. I was a young girl in heat. My heart was broken by my “first love” and I wanted some male attention. I am a Leo; I strive off that shit.

After much scheming and planning Marcus and I was a couple. Yeah, I tried playing hard to get because that’s what girls are taught to do. That’s the only reason I read all them dumb ass magazines like Seventeen and YM.

We were in science class when he went old school on me.

Do you like me. Circle one.

Yes No Maybe so

I enjoyed the throwback to elementary days. It was so sexy. Since that day we were inseparable. When you saw Marcus, you saw me. He would walk me home from school. We would stop by McDonalds on the way to my house and grab something to eat.

When I say I loved Marcus I did or about as much as a 14 year old girl could love a 15 year old boy. We were inseparable. We talked on the phone every night, saw each other in school, walked each other to class, and kissed in the hallways. For 14, I thought my life was good.

Each year our school did a trip. The freshmen & sophomores would take a trip together and the juniors & seniors would take one. This year was our turn to visit Disney World. I went to Disney World before and I didn’t really care. I was a grown ass 14 year old. I ain’t into Mickey Mouse. I’m a black girl from the hood, I didn’t believe in that fairy tale shit. I went because all my friends were going and I couldn’t be left out. I admit it was my first “grown-up” high school trip. Shit, I was only 14. It was 1998, my friends and I had to stay fly. You couldn’t tell us anything. We spent hundreds in the mall for a 4 day, 3 night trip. When I say we went in, we went in. Cute little outfits, matching shoes, hats, purses. We had to buy new music to listen to on the ride. It was everything.

Even though I was skeptical about going at first once I got back to the house and looked through my bags, I couldn’t wait to show my phat ass off. See even at 14, I was thick. Always had the ass, small waist, and cute face. I couldn’t wait to get to Orlando. I admit I was “fast” as the old folks say. I LOOOOOOVED MEN!! I couldn’t wait to get to Disney World and spend quality time with him.

We were teens so of course we were separated by gender. I admit, I don’t remember who my roommates were but they weren’t anyone I considered my closest friends but that’s a different story within itself.

One night I wanted to see him but I couldn’t find him anywhere. I was calling everybody rom trying to find my man.

“Yo this is Nia, have you seen Marcus?”

I didn’t get anywhere with the phone calls.

“Naw, I ain’t seen him since dinner.”

“Naw, he was supposed to be in his room”

“Naw, I thought he was with you.”

I didn’t think too much of it. I mean when you’re 14 and in love you don’t see the trees through the forest. I was fly so I knew he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He loved me.

When we returned to school, there were so many rumors floating around as they always were after we had an overnight trip out of state. But this was the first time ever, I was part of them. “Little girl, you need to keep my name out of my mouth. I ain’t said nothing about your or him so you better get your shit straight.”

“Nia, I know you heard rumors I had sex Marcus but I promise you didn’t”

“Yeah, Nia was right across the hall when he was having sex with Tasha”

I was young and naïve I didn’t know what was going. I believed what people told me and was confused by things I didn’t know anything about. She said she didn’t do it. I didn’t think anyone would like to me especially not to my face. Who am I for you to feel the need to lie?

I continued to see him because I “loved” him so much. He was my man and I didn’t care what anyone else had to say. He wouldn’t lie to me. I knew that for a fact.

One summer night we were on the phone. I was laying across my bed listening to the quiet storm on the radio singing along to Jesse Powell’s “You’

“The way you walk, the way you talk, the way you say my name your smile…”

Marcus was unusually quiet but I didn’t think too much of it. I don’t know where his thoughts were but I knew he wasn’t mentally there with me.

“Nia, you remember the rumor about me having sex with Britni….”

Pause.

Nothing. I kind of had a feeling where it was going but I didn’t want to go there because I know I wasn’t lied to. Young and dumb.

“…Well…it was true.”

Pause.

“Well, she told me ya’ll didn’t do it.”

“I told her to tell you that”

My mouth drops.

“But Nia, I love you… I promise you I will break up with you before I ever cheat on you again.”

“Nia I’ll break up with you before I ever cheat on you again.”

I remember those words as if he just whispered them in my ear. See being young and dumb when a guy tells you some bullshit you believe it. You feel as if he has your best interest at heart. You have this false sense of grandiosity, thinking you’re special when you’re not. Shit, you’re just like every other girl.

Despite knowing he lied to me I still wanted him. I forgave him and kept it moving. I had my man and that’s all that matter. I mean, if he didn’t love me or wanted to be with me he would have never told me the truth and he damn sure wouldn’t still be with me. Right?

That following school year he returned to his home school. We all know the fall season is football seeason. We both were busy with our individual activities. I was on the band and he was a football player.

I didn’t think we would grow apart but we did. I tried my best to try and make things work and hold on to him but I couldn’t. I was only 15 and I wasn’t allowed to date so it wasn’t much I could do.

After some time apart we were able to spend some time talking on the phone. We were catching each other up about what was going on in our individual lives. Me telling him about my friends and band practice, him telling me about his friends and football practice.

Stay tuned for On Losing It Part 2

(c) 2013 StacyAustralia